3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I just had sex on a roof
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Randomize
