nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
