Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
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