Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
