today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
why is half of my head shaved?
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
