i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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