Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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