You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Randomize
