I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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