I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
