I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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