I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
