allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
