Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Randomize
