help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
