I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Randomize
