so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
