I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
