My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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