The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
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