I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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