I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Randomize
