Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
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