Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
