Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
You may now shotgun with the bride
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
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