I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
