if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
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