rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Randomize
