a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
I think I won the penis lottery.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
