I wish I could teleport
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
