I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
We are all done wearing pants today
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Randomize
