she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
