im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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