if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
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