I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
