I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
