Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
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