I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
