i'm lost and i look like a hooker
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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