I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
