Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I need a beard to bite.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
that is very illegal...i love you.
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