did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
What's dad's email?
[email protected]
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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