mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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