Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I'm way too hungover for life right now
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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