yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
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