We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
