Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
