life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
