I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
