Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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